Lauren

One of the last posts I wrote was in November of last year.  It was a sad story of the loss of a young girl I knew..  Now, 6 months later, once again, I find myself asking “Why”?   I live in a very small, tightly woven town and when something happens here, if effects many people.  In the past 4 years, 2 of my nearest and dearest friends (By that term, I mean we have  LIVED LIFE with these people…family vacations, many meals together, life activities on a near daily basis), have lost teen, or young adult children.  Both of those children also happened to be best friends with my children.  Right now, one of our other nearest and dearest friends daughters lies in a coma, brain dead, with the only “natural function” being her breathing.  This young woman is 27, has a 1 year old, and a 3 year old, a husband who openly adores her, and a loving family.  This young woman has gone on countless trips with us, and has been “older sister” to my youngest daughter, and very best friend to my oldest daughter since the second grade.  This same daughter of mine lost her closest guy friend 2 years ago, and was hit by a car herself a year ago.  I am very grateful God spared my child a year ago, but why her and not M?  Why not K? Why is L in a coma? Why do my best friends in the whole world have to endure this incredible pain?  This is such Hell.  No parent should have to go through this, and no young person should have to deal with so much death.  To someone who may read this, you may think I am whining.  I am!.  I hurt and I don’t know what to do with that. 

I know a young man, a friend of my youngest daughter, who grew up in Rwanda.  He watched his family die, as well as much of his town.  This violence would be unbearable to watch, and he has shared some of what he goes through, the pain, the guilt, the flashbacks.  On the outside his life now would appear to be “Normal”, and “happy” though.  He does not understand the “whys”, but he is grateful God spared his life. He is getting married soon.  Life has “gone on”.  My friend who lost her son a year and 9 months ago has a new grandbaby.  She has a new job.  She has taken some fabulous “breaks” with her husband,  Life has “moved on”.  My other friend who lost her son almost 4 years ago has also “gone on” with life.  My sister is a home every day now.  Her once busy with activity filled days are now focused on the diet of her husband who has colon cancer.  Each day she watches as he struggles with the pain that won’t go away.  Each day she is filled with hope that the treatment he is receiving will bring about healing for the disease  that is ravaging his body. Another friend has brain cancer.  Another has finished treatment for breast cancer.  My father in law has cancer that has spread into his bones. “Life goes on?  For who?  Some of us?  The ones who survive this, maybe they get to “live” but is there ever complete, unbridled joy again?  I want this all to stop.  I want the pain to go away.  I know that “out of ashes will come beauty”, and that it all makes us “stronger”  I get all of this and I know that death is part of life.  I know all these things in my head, but do I have to like it?    With each loss I feel as though part of me dies, and that I am not stronger, but more weary.  Much more weary.  The only “strength”  I exhibit is the false strength I “put on”  each day to get through the day.  It is a mask.  It allows me to pretend,  that I have it all together, and that I have the “magic” to help those around me.  It’s not true.  The only one who sees my vulnerability is my husband, and he is never sure what to do with it, so I try desperately to wear the mask for him as well. 

I have said in nearly every blog I have written, I am NOT a writer. I don’t even go back and edit. That’s on purpose.   I do this for me, and for no one else. I do it to help me process. It’s for me, for this moment.  That’s it.  So if you are reading this, sorry!    If you are suffering, I am so sorry for you.  I have no answer, except “keep hoping”  I am thankful God has all the answers, and that ultimately HE is in control